Quiting smoking was probably one of the most difficult life changes I ever made. I started smoking in high school. I can't remember why I even tried it. My mother was a smoker and I always hated smoking, but for some reason I tried it, and I got hooked. I always hated being a smoker. I was always embarrassed when I smoked, and it really did fill me with a feeling of self loathing. In my mind smokers were low class people who didn't care about their health or the health of the people around them. I really hated being that person, and I was always trying to quite.
In my twenties, I tried a number of times, but like anyone who has tried to quit, there was always an excuse for why I couldn't. In my thirties, I was a single parent and then I started the restaurant, so it was always that there was too much stress. Forrest used to find my cigarette packs and crush them, so I was like a teenager trying to hide them again. Finally in 2008, Forrest told me that all he wanted for his birthday was for me to quit smoking.
On Forrest's birthday, I stopped buying cigarettes for myself, and I semi quit smoking. It was still a long battle to being completely smoke free. If I was with friends who were smoking, I would usually break down and have one especially if we were out drinking. I think one of my biggest salvation's was when the state banned smoking in bars and restaurants. When you have to go outside in the ice cold weather to have a cigarette, you really think twice about it.
I don't remember exactly when I had my last cigarette, I think it was probably 2010. At that point I was riding my bike more and hanging around people who didn't smoke. As I started doing more and more cycling, I realized how much the smoking had kept me from being able to do the things I want to do. As I started doing more activities, I started hanging out with more and more people who didn't smoke. I realized the best way to quit smoking was to get away from smokers. I finally got to the point where my entire social circle was made up of people who didnt smoke. Then I got to the point where just being around someone who smokes would make me feel sick to my stomach and get a headache.
Every now and then I will do something that makes me think about smoking again. When I started working at Detroit Diesel again, I would notice as I would get in my car to go home this feeling like I was forgetting something, and I would realize that I used to light up on my way home because I didn't smoke at work. I don't ever have the craving for a cigarette anymore, but there are psychological triggers that hit me now and then. I would never even think about smoking a cigarette again, but there are times where an old habit will spark a reaction. Being a non smoker was by far the best life change I ever made.
I thought about my smoking habit this morning as I was getting ready for work. Since the start of the year I have really been trying to cut down on the carbs I eat and cut out any processed carbs like sugar, white flour, white rice, and pasta. The pasta has been the toughest to eliminate. At some point I would like to just eat whole grain pasta, but for now I am really trying to cut everything out. I have been doing really well at cutting back, very much like when I quit buying cigarettes but still smoked. The past few weeks though I have been really feeling good about not craving the carbs. This weekend I had bread with dinner on Saturday, then a sandwich on Sunday, and a very small brownie and ice cream Sunday night. I think the sugar in the brownie is what threw me over the edge because I really wanted more. This morning when I saw the tray of brownies sitting there, it was really hard to battle the demons in my brain telling me to just have a bite, but I won the battle and didn't cave in. The feeling of need reminded me so much of my days as a smoker. Sugar processed carbs are so addicting, and it is so hard to not have a dessert when everyone around you is indulging.
I don't like saying I am on a diet because this really has to be a lifestyle change. I know that I will lose weight when I cut out the carbs and starches. I will also have increased energy which makes me more active. The minute I change my diet to include the carbs and starches again, the weight will come back on and I will have increased lethargy. I have been through the cycle so many times that I know exactly how it works and how my body responds. If I am eating alone, my diet is very simple to maintain. I can eat exactly the same thing everyday and it wont bother me a bit. When I am alone, food is simply a means to provide energy to maintain my activity level. All of this changes when I eat with someone else. Then a meal is something that is shared socially, and especially with family, brings people together. I don't like pushing my dietary choices onto someone else unless I am making the meal, so I will usually join in making bad choices knowing that I can go back to my lifestyle the following day. The problem will be that access to carbs and the addiction that goes along with it. If there is a bag of chips on the counter (or a tray of brownies), and it is open, I will tell myself that I am only going to have a couple, but it never works. Once I eat a few chips, I will start mindlessly eating more until the bag is gone. Then I will still be hungry. The longer I go without carbs, the easier it is to avoid this trap.
One of my spin instructors is always asking "what do we ride for?", and another of her comments are that "you are bigger than a smaller size of pants". I really like taking her spin classes because these comments really resonate with me. Having a healthy diet and getting more exercise isn't about what I look like in the mirror. I admit that as I get in shape, I feel better about how I look, but what is really important is how it affects my life. When my weight is lower and my energy levels are higher, I am able to cycle more, kayak more, and walk more. When the weather is nice I want to be outside enjoying my life not sitting on the couch, and having a healthy body makes that possible. Last summer I barely saw my house. I was out until well past dark every weeknight, and I was out of town almost every weekend. I was either riding my bike, kayaking on a river or in the great lakes, or camping somewhere. My house was really just there for sleeping and to hold my stuff. I was pushing myself to be out of my comfort zone a bit, but I really enjoyed myself. I loved packing my jeep with my kayak and my bike and going wherever I wanted for a few days. I want to experience that kind of adventure for the rest of my life, so being in shape is a part of that.
I have been through many life changes in my life, some good and some bad, but they are all learning experiences. As I get older, I have more tools to work with to make the changes necessary for my desired outcome. I'm always a little uncomfortable talking about journeys and deeper meanings to things, that is a little too rah rah or touchy feely for me, but I do have my moments where I realize there is truth to the idea that each person has their own journey. In the past few years I have really enjoyed where my journey has taken me. I really enjoy the things I have done with family and friends as well as the challenges I have met alone. I really don't look forward to getting older, but I am going to make sure I am as young as I can be at any age.
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