F'ing PacMan

Forrest and I closed our restaurant at the end of 2010 right before Christmas and never opened again. We sold all the assets to the people who took over our lease and paid all the bills we could and walked away with a ton of debt and in my case bad health and a pretty bleak outlook on life. I had managed to quit smoking a couple of years before, so I probably wasn't in the absolute worst shape of my life, but it was pretty close. 

After closing the restaurant, it was time to rebuild my life. One of the first things I did was to change my diet and start exercising regularly. When I first started, all I could do was walk on the treadmill and maybe do a little on an exercise bike. I tried the elliptical once, and after about three minutes I got off panting while thinking my heart was going to explode. It wasn't a pretty site, but by the summer, I was able to do a lot more and when I started doing group rides, I was able to keep up pretty reasonably. By the end of the summer I had lost 60 pounds and done my first century ride, and I was feeling pretty good. 

The following winter, I continued doing spinning classes and I had even started to run a little bit. I had several friends who ran in 5k events pretty regularly, and I was able to convince Forrest to do some with me. Sarah was already doing some running with friends, and she did some events with us as well. The Thanksgiving Turkey Trot was a really fun family event. As 2012 came along, I was getting more comfortable with running, but I would never say that I enjoyed it. I had friends who would comment that once you get past the first mile, then you get your running legs, and you can run at an even pace as long as you have fuel and water. I know that feeling well from riding a bike. After 10 miles or so, I can ride at a steady pace for hours as long as I have the calories and hydration to support it. I have never felt that way while running. No matter how far I run, it always feels like a chore, and it is never comfortable. 

As spring hit, I did more runs and even did a couple of 10k races where I ended up running the entire thing. I signed up for a half marathon in Traverse City because I thought it would be a nice getaway, and the scenery around the run was supposed to be amazing. My goal was to do the half marathon as a run / walk event. I figured I made it through a 10k, so I could probably run a mile, then walk a mile throughout the whole thing. I trained for it with that in mind. 

When the weekend of the race came, I was in pretty good shape. I got up really early to catch the bus at the neighboring hotel around 4:30 in the morning. I had been working on getting well hydrated for the past day, so when we got to the high school where the race was going to end, I had to find a bathroom pretty quickly. Then I had to get on another bus that would take me to the start of the race near the end of the peninsular 13.2 miles away. Its funny how you don't realize how much of a distance that is, but it takes over a half hour to get that far on a bus going 25 miles an hour. In my head it seems like if I can run or even walk it, it should only take a couple of minutes by car. 

When I arrived at the starting point, the sun was just starting to rise over the horizon. It was quite a site, there was this large field with porta-johns surrounding the area in a half circle two levels deep. There must have been several hundred of these things. Of course as soon as I got off the bus, the cold air hit me and I had to hit one of the porta-johns pretty much immediately. The race started at 7 am, so I had a couple of hours to just sit and wait for all the waves of buses to come and unload. I pretty much spent the entire time drinking and peeing. As the time approached 7 am, I took my jacket off and put it in my bag and took it to the bag drop then headed toward the end of the starting line. 

I was pretty far back in the line because I knew I was going to be slow and didn't want to get in the way of people who were competing. The Traverse City Marathon is one of the qualifying races for Boston, so there are a lot of people who go there trying to achieve a personal best to qualify. I was definitely not one of those people. As I was standing in line waiting for the race to start, I noticed the pressure on my bladder again, but the lines to the porta-johns was were really long, and I didn't want to miss the start. I figured there would be places to go along the way, so I figured I would just wait. It is always a tough balancing act for me trying to keep hydrated while not overdoing it and having to pee all the time. I have had many uncomfortable races as a result. 

The buzzer went of signaling the start of the race, and the pack began moving toward the gates. There is the official start and then there is the moment you cross the sensor and get your personal start time. In my case, being toward the back of the line, the start times were quite different. At the start of the race, I was running down a short will which intersected with the lake shore drive we would be running on for the majority of the race. As soon as I hit the lake shore, I was struck with how amazing the scenery was. We had plenty of sun, and it was warming up very quickly. As the pack started thinning out through the first mile, I was moving ahead of a number of the walkers, but my bladder was really killing me. At the end of the first mile, I saw a porta-john on the side of the rode and there were only two people in line, so I decided to stop. The people in line were in just as much of a hurry to get back to the race as I was, so the line moved very quickly and in no time I was out and on the side of the road getting ready to run again. 

At this moment I had already run a mile, but my legs really felt good, so I started negotiating with myself as to whether I should start walking or keep running for another mile. As I was debating my options, another runner ran by that I had seen back at the start. He was a relatively short guy wearing a light yellow shirt and black shorts, and what was striking was that he was almost as big around as he was tall. As he ran by me, he really looked a lot like PacMan from the old video game.

In previous runs where my only goal was to finish, I had found people with similar ability to me, and I had paced myself with them. That really helped me to keep from going to fast and bonking. When I saw PacMan go by I figured I would use him to keep my pace, and I assumed based on his physique that he was probably going to be doing a run / walk type of pace as well. I figured at the very least, I would run behind him at his pace until he stopped, and then I would determine whether or not we had a similar walking pace and start stop strategy. 

I fell in to line behind PacMan, and started running. He was probably about 50 yards ahead of me, and I kept that pace for a while. I tried to catch up to him and keep a closer pace, but every time I tried, I would get a little closer then start to burn out and fall back to about 50 yards. We ran at the same pace with about 50 yards between us. We ran through my two, then three, and four. I kept pace with him, but I was starting to wonder what his strategy was. I was certain that he had to stop at some point. I was still feeling good, so I kept pace with him.

I was really enjoying running through the crowds that had gathered at different spots along the course of the race. There were so many kids standing on the side of the road hoping to get a high five from one of the runners, and I was more than happy to oblige. It actually added to my motivation and really made me feel proud of what I was doing. I started thinking in my head that it was all about the high fives. This was a mantra Forrest and I had come up with when we did a fun run with my brother, and it was working pretty well for me too.

I don't really remember at what point the marathon runners caught up with us. It seemed like it was pretty early in the race. The marathon running started at the high school and ran to our starting point and then turned around and ran back. The guys in the front were lead by a police car and had cyclists around them to protect them from other runners and fans. These were nationally ranked runners, and they were flying. I remember when they ran by going in the opposite direction, and then it seemed like it was on a few minutes later when they came up behind me and ran by as if I was standing still. It was actually pretty exciting to watch and be a part of. 

I remember getting to the 6 mile mark and thinking that this was about as far as I had ever run before. I was still feeling pretty good, but I was starting to lose energy, and I was feeling some pain in my feet and knees, but nothing too bad yet. I was still keeping pretty good pace with PacMan, but I still couldn't catch him, and I was even losing ground a little, but we were still pretty close. 

As I passed the 8 mile mark, I realized PacMan was never going to stop. I had made a judgement based on his appearance, but I was greatly mistaken as to his ability. He was in much better shape than he appeared. I was starting to really struggle, but I was still running and hadn't stopped yet. Each mile that went by was more and more of a blur. My playlist on my ipod had already repeated and was starting on the third loop through. I had an interesting mix of songs on my playlist that when I hear them today remind me of that run along the Traverse City shoreline. 

When I hit the tenth mile, I felt energized and amazed. I never imagined I would run that far. Something about hitting double digits really made me happy. At that point I knew I was going to run the entire race. I only had a little over 3 miles to go, and I had run a number of 5k's. I also figured I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I made it this far and quit. PacMan was still within reach, but he was like the rabbit at a greyhound race that I just couldn't catch. 

Around the 11 mile mark, I was really starting to feel some pain. I had blisters on my feet that had popped and were stinging with every footfall. My left ankle was extremely sore as was my right knee. I was also starting to feel pain in my hips that I had never felt before. My strides started becoming more and more uneven, and I was really experiencing tunnel vision. I just wanted to get to the end of the race.

The last mile of the race was going away from the water and heading toward the high school. There were some curves and corners as we went along the streets. I lost PacMan at this point. I don't know if somehow he sped up, or if I slowed down, but it really didn't matter, I was so close, I had no choice but to finish. I was in so much pain, and the finish line was so close. I just kept pushing through it. I was going to make it and no one was going to stop be. I turned the last bend and headed toward the athletic field of the high school.

Once I made it to the high school, the finish line was on their running track. I hit the track and saw the canopy, and I gave it every last bit of energy I could. I wanted to hit the finish line running fast and hard. I passed over the chip sensor and finished the 13.2 miles and nearly collapsed. 

I stumbled along the track after passing the finish line. I was completely exhausted and in a lot of pain. A number of medics came running over to me to make sure I was all right. I remember several of them yelling "sir, sir, are you all right, is it just the run or is something else wrong with you". I was out of breath and speechless. I finally murmured that I just ran 13 miles, all I wanted was my finisher medal, and my cookie, oh and some ice cream. I think they decided I was okay at the point, and I continued to stumble toward the finisher area. 

As I headed into the finishers area, a girl from the high school running team ran over and put my medal over my head. I was starting to catch my breath at this point, and I headed over to the cookie stand and had a couple of cookies, then some ice cream, and finally some chocolate milk. I couldn't stop walking or my legs would cramp, so I just walked around the setup for a while recovering. When I got on the bus, my calves started cramping as soon as I sat down. I made it back to my hotel, and crashed for the rest of the day. I woke up and had dinner, then went back to sleep again until the next day. It took several days for me to feel right again. 

After losing PacMan in the last mile, I never saw him again. I figured I would see him in the finisher area, but I didn't. I'm sure I wouldn't have talked to him, but I did feel almost like I had created a bond with him. If it hadn't been for him, I would never had run an entire half marathon. I didn't even really have that as a goal until I hit the tenth mile or so. I am so glad I did it though. I was so proud of myself for doing 100 miles on my bike, and this gave me the same sense of pride. 

The medal I received at the finish line was the nicest medal I have ever gotten. I have always been opposed to participation awards in team sports. I remember my son getting a trophy in soccer at the end of a season where they didn't win a single game being told that they are all winners. I do think there is a big difference between participation awards and finisher awards for individual events. In something like a long distance run, there are so many who don't finish that it really is a big deal to have finished that event. I watched the winners run by at an amazing pace, so I have no delusions of being a winner. I am sure I placed pretty close to last in my age group, but I did something I have never done. In individual events at my fitness level, the only person I am competing with is myself, and it is nice to have something to remember that by.  

Life Changes

I think as long as you are living, you are trying to implement life changes. At least that is the way I feel as I go through life. Sometimes I am trying to change something that I see as a negative in my life, and sometimes I have achieved a goal and need to get to the next level. Some changes are hard and make you feel like your goal isn't achievable, and some exhilarating and make you feel like the king of the world. 

Quiting smoking was probably one of the most difficult life changes I ever made. I started smoking in high school. I can't remember why I even tried it. My mother was a smoker and I always hated smoking, but for some reason I tried it, and I got hooked. I always hated being a smoker. I was always embarrassed when I smoked, and it really did fill me with a feeling of self loathing. In my mind smokers were low class people who didn't care about their health or the health of the people around them. I really hated being that person, and I was always trying to quite. 

In my twenties, I tried a number of times, but like anyone who has tried to quit, there was always an excuse for why I couldn't. In my thirties, I was a single parent and then I started the restaurant, so it was always that there was too much stress. Forrest used to find my cigarette packs and crush them, so I was like a teenager trying to hide them again. Finally in 2008, Forrest told me that all he wanted for his birthday was for me to quit smoking. 

On Forrest's birthday, I stopped buying cigarettes for myself, and I semi quit smoking. It was still a long battle to being completely smoke free. If I was with friends who were smoking, I would usually break down and have one especially if we were out drinking. I think one of my biggest salvation's was when the state banned smoking in bars and restaurants. When you have to go outside in the ice cold weather to have a cigarette, you really think twice about it. 

I don't remember exactly when I had my last cigarette, I think it was probably 2010. At that point I was riding my bike more and hanging around people who didn't smoke. As I started doing more and more cycling, I realized how much the smoking had kept me from being able to do the things I want to do. As I started doing more activities, I started hanging out with more and more people who didn't smoke. I realized the best way to quit smoking was to get away from smokers. I finally got to the point where my entire social circle was made up of people who didnt smoke. Then I got to the point where just being around someone who smokes would make me feel sick to my stomach and get a headache. 

Every now and then I will do something that makes me think about smoking again. When I started working at Detroit Diesel again, I would notice as I would get in my car to go home this feeling like I was forgetting something, and I would realize that I used to light up on my way home because I didn't smoke at work. I don't ever have the craving for a cigarette anymore, but there are psychological triggers that hit me now and then. I would never even think about smoking a cigarette again, but there are times where an old habit will spark a reaction. Being a non smoker was by far the best life change I ever made. 

I thought about my smoking habit this morning as I was getting ready for work. Since the start of the year I have really been trying to cut down on the carbs I eat and cut out any processed carbs like sugar, white flour, white rice, and pasta. The pasta has been the toughest to eliminate. At some point I would like to just eat whole grain pasta, but for now I am really trying to cut everything out. I have been doing really well at cutting back, very much like when I quit buying cigarettes but still smoked. The past few weeks though I have been really feeling good about not craving the carbs. This weekend I had bread with dinner on Saturday, then a sandwich on Sunday, and a very small brownie and ice cream Sunday night. I think the sugar in the brownie is what threw me over the edge because I really wanted more. This morning when I saw the tray of brownies sitting there, it was really hard to battle the demons in my brain telling me to just have a bite, but I won the battle and didn't cave in. The feeling of need reminded me so much of my days as a smoker. Sugar processed carbs are so addicting, and it is so hard to not have a dessert when everyone around you is indulging.

 I don't like saying I am on a diet because this really has to be a lifestyle change. I know that I will lose weight when I cut out the carbs and starches. I will also have increased energy which makes me more active. The minute I change my diet to include the carbs and starches again, the weight will come back on and I will have increased lethargy. I have been through the cycle so many times that I know exactly how it works and how my body responds. If I am eating alone, my diet is very simple to maintain. I can eat exactly the same thing everyday and it wont bother me a bit. When  I am alone, food is simply a means to provide energy to maintain my activity level. All of this changes when I eat with someone else. Then a meal is something that is shared socially, and especially with family, brings people together. I don't like pushing my dietary choices onto someone else unless I am making the meal, so I will usually join in making bad choices knowing that I can go back to my lifestyle the following day. The problem will be that access to carbs and the addiction that goes along with it. If there is a bag of chips on the counter (or a tray of brownies), and it is open, I will tell myself that I am only going to have a couple, but it never works. Once I eat a few chips, I will start mindlessly eating more until the bag is gone. Then I will still be hungry. The longer I go without carbs, the easier it is to avoid this trap. 

One of my spin instructors is always asking "what do we ride for?", and another of her comments are that "you are bigger than a smaller size of pants". I really like taking her spin classes because these comments really resonate with me. Having a healthy diet and getting more exercise isn't about what I look like in the mirror. I admit that as I get in shape, I feel better about how I look, but what is really important is how it affects my life. When my weight is lower and my energy levels are higher, I am able to cycle more, kayak more, and walk more. When the weather is nice I want to be outside enjoying my life not sitting on the couch, and having a healthy body makes that possible. Last summer I barely saw my house. I was out until well past dark every weeknight, and I was out of town almost every weekend. I was either riding my bike, kayaking on a river or in the great lakes, or camping somewhere. My house was really just there for sleeping and to hold my stuff. I was pushing myself to be out of my comfort zone a bit, but I really enjoyed myself. I loved packing my jeep with my kayak and my bike and going wherever I wanted for a few days. I want to experience that kind of adventure for the rest of my life, so being in shape is a part of that. 

I have been through many life changes in my life, some good and some bad, but they are all learning experiences. As I get older, I have more tools to work with to make the changes necessary for my desired outcome. I'm always a little uncomfortable talking about journeys and deeper meanings to things, that is a little too rah rah or touchy feely for me, but I do have my moments where I realize there is truth to the idea that each person has their own journey. In the past few years I have really enjoyed where my journey has taken me. I really enjoy the things I have done with family and friends as well as the challenges I have met alone. I really don't look forward to getting older, but I am going to make sure I am as young as I can be at any age.